Simply Improper

March 2012 Update On Life

Well alot has been going on lately. Things have been rough. I had a boyfriend for a short time,but when Mom an I were threatened with eviction, his indifference proved his feelings for me weren’t that great. So of course i got rid of him.

My health has been up and down as usual. The cyst on my ovary has gone away. I was having severe left rib pain for months, i had my obgyn feel it just to be sure it wasn’t an enlarged/swollen organ. They couldn’t feel anything abnormal, so i just let it be. As I’ve mentioned in previous blogs i was also having pain in my foot and ankle for almost a year. In January i took a 10 day vacation from work. That seemed to allow my body to heal some. When my vacation was over, i realized my foot, ankle, and rib no longer hurt. So that’s the good news on my health.

I am still experiencing all the other bullshit, frequent headaches/migraines, back, shoulder, neck & leg pain, “bone” pain, skin pain, frequent throat pain/infections, dizziness, nausea, brain fog, EXTREME fatigue (dozing off at the drop of a hat, even while driving (scary)), insomnia, mood swings, etc…

In Jan i had an episode were it felt as if something was stuck in my throat, breathing and my voice felt different, my face became very red and hot, i had a headache on the left side of head, glands in neck were swollen, throat was a lil swollen, brain fog, sleepiness, and tingling on my neck and ears. All of this started suddenly and lasted 4 hours. I went to the hospital and of course they did NOTHING but try to overdose me on tylenol. The nurse was a freaking tweeker bouncing off the walls, his eyes were about to pop outta his head.

I’ve had numerous throat infections. A few severe stomach bugs, that was hell. I’ve been having white patches on the roof of my mouth. I’ve had thrush many times, and this doesn’t seem the same. Its not painful, its actually kinda numb. I went to the dentist yesterday for a teeth cleaning. The dentist is referring me to an oral surgeon to do a biopsy. When i called to make an appointment they told me i would have to pay at least $80 just to talk to the oral surg. Then he will decide if he wants to do a biopsy or not, at which point i would have to schedule another appointment and pay more money. I’m pissed. For one the dentist didn’t use his lil “cancer detecting light” which they have done on previous visits. I’m also pissed that i have to pay this oral surg just to decide if he wants to do a biopsy or not. Even though i don’t think its thrush, it resembles it. So I’m pissed they aren’t testing for that before they send me to this money hungry asshole surgeon. I’ve taken it upon myself to get a second opinion on the whole thing before i give this surgeon a dime. March 20th I’m going to my primary DR for his opinion, an hopefully he will test for thrush.

Okay enough of my “health”. Last month my grandpa was diagnosed with stage 3 multiple myeloma, he just barely got done battling colon cancer. So his body is pretty worn down, he has anywhere from 3months to 2years to live. So that’s another cancer to add to my family history.

My mothers social security disablity hearing is tomorrow. This will strongly affect our lives. If she is denied I’m not sure what will happen. We can’t continue to live like this. If she’s approved it means she can finally get her own place and support herself. Which means i will finally have my apartment to myself, and i will actually have money to pay my bills, and money for myself. Finally be able to buy new clothes, maybe go out sometimes (if i have the energy), have money to do laundry (instead of handwashing). i will finally have privacy. I will finally be able to have my own life. My mother will also feel a new sense of freedom. She will be able to buy herself stuff when she wants. She will have her own place to decorate how she wants. She wont have to put up with my nagging lol. I’m hoping it will help her self esteem and depression. I don’t consider her a burdon, she’s my mother, i love her and would do anything i could for her. But i know she feels like she’s a burdon on me.

Recently i have found an old boyfriend of mine. I’m crazy about him. We have been discussing our feelings for eachother, and how we wish to be together. It has been over 10 years since we seen eachother and he lives in Cali. So we are trying to be realistic. We realize we have changed, and it might not be like the old times. So we plan on meeting up to see if those sparks are still there, or if we jus annoy the hell out of eachother lol. If things go well, and those sparks are still flying, we plan on being together.

I have a lot of important decisions to make. I’m not sure i can leave NV. I need to be close to my mother to help her out. Cali is a lot more expensive than Nev. On the other hand my heart wants soo badly to be with my love. So for now I’m just dealing with one thing at a time.

Thanks for reading, sorry its soo damn long lol.

Still Tryin To Get The Hang Of This

Sorry im still new to tumblr and working on figuring out how it all works. Not very easy on my slow loading phone. So please forgive me if i do something wrong, duplicate posts, accidently unfollowing or i dont know lol. Just wanted to give a headsup.

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Terminal illness vs. chronic illness; a lack of publicity. Refuse to be a part of the forgotten majority.

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Examining the fear behind proper narcotic use and what it really means to be chronically ill and using narcotics.

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Feeling Better Today

Thanks to the sexy @MRaymondJames for making me smile last night. Thanks to @missxsometimes for chatting with me and reminding me im not alone. Also thank you to Elfmoogle for the blog comment.

I think what helped the most was blogging. Since i couldnt share my thoughts with my mother, (i did not want to upset her). I had to let it out somehow. Im not normally the type to open up and share my fears, pain, and thoughts. Over the last couple years i have realized i need to change that. I cant get through all these health problems, money worries, and fears of my mothers declining health, without some sort of outlet.

I believe last night hit me hard partly due to the full moon, and because my entire city was out celebrating, and i was at home with mom as usual. I miss being able to go out, i miss men, i miss socializing (eventhough i dont really like most people lol). My body wont allow any of that anymore. I struggle just to get out of bed and keep my job. I miss life.

My bully of a cat woke me up this morning knocking everything off my nightstand. I realized i felt a sense of renewal. My body hurts like hell, but my mind is refreshed. I hope this feeling will last at least for a day or two.

For those interested, you can follow me on twitter @simply_improper

Full Moon Depression

Depression has crept upon me once again. Im hoping its just the full moon. I have to be very careful with this evil depression, we have a history together. It has been able to strangle every last bit of hope out of me, then leave me crying alone on the floor with all my pills. I have attempted suicide twice over the years.

Right now i feel like crawling into a ball and crying my eyes out for no paticular reason. But i cant, i cant allow my mother to see me that way. She would blame herself for it. I dont want her to feel guilty for my pain and the things we can not control. So i lay here calmly typing this, listening to Eddie Vedder( his voice always calms me).

I have been fighting the tears all day. I just hope tomorrows a better day so i can continue taking care of my mother and myself. I refuse to let depression win this time. I just have to keep reminding myself to never lose hope.

NetFlix or BlockBuster

I need help deciding. Should i start my NetFlix back up or go with BlockBuster? I am tired of RedBox and their minimal selection, plus its gettin expensive. I dont have internet (besides my phone), so i wont be streaming. DVDs only. So im asking, which is the better choice? Which one has a larger and broader range of DVD selection? I know Blockbuster has the option to return to their store an get another movie, but im not going to use that as a deciding factor. The Blockbuster stores here all seem to be closing, so i may not have that option. Please let me know the pros and cons of both. Thanks. You can also respond to me on twitter @simply_improper

Who I Have Become

This was originally written as an email to someone, explaining my life, health, ect. I figured i would edit it a lil and blog it. So you all can get an idea of my life.

Im 32 yrs old. I have almost no social or love life. Too tired to date, and i tend to cancel alot.

The DR’s are still trying to figure out whats wrong with me. So far they are leaning torwards Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and/or Fibromyalgia.

You know that feeling you get when you have the flu, your bones and skin hurt. I have that feeling 80% of the time. Goosebumps even hurt. Im tired ALOT, i can sleep over 12 hours and still feel like i havent slept in days. I doze off at the drop of a hat. Ive even dozed off while standing at work. I keep dozing as i type this lol. My right foot and ankle have been giving me problems. One minute its fine, the next i get up to stand and fall to the floor from the pain. I occasionally limp. I get migraines, various joint pains. Frequent throat and ear infections. Heartburn….etc etc etc. Seems like everyday i have a new pain or “ailment”.

My mother has fibromyalgia, degenerative disc disease, along with a list of other things. She also had bladder and kidney cancer. She has no medical coverage, but we believe her cancer has come back and possibly spread to her brain. She has been fighting to get disability insurance for two years.

My mother lives with me and i support her financially. Her health has been declining fast in the last year, so now i also have the responsibility of cooking and cleaning,(as best i can). I have to remind her to eat real food(not just marshmellows), and make sure she doesnt fall asleep with her cigarette.

I work full time, im currently on probation for missing too many days of work(due to my health). My work doesnt seem to understand how much pain and exhaustion i experience. Im not allowed to miss another day until 2012. Im always in pain and totally exhausted. The only thing that keeps me going is the fact that my mother relies on me.

My mother barely leaves her bed anymore, and when i think about her current condition, i cant help but wonder if thats how im going to be in 10 years. It scares the hell outta me.

So far meds like cymbalta have not helped me. Vicodin and klonipin just keep me from going completely insane. Their effectivness is declining rapidly.

Im not sure whats going to be next for me, it scares me. Everyday i want to give up. But i just keep telling myself “I only need to get through this day or hour”. If i think about the future, then i wont be able to get through any of it. I can only get through it one moment at a time.

About a year and half ago i talked my mother into moving to Reno so that I could help her take care of my grandmother. Then my grandmother died last November. Since then my mothers health has really declined. I think its partly due to her depression of losing my grandma. My brother and sister dont seem to really think anything is wrong with us, so they offer little to no help. Mother and I are lucky we have eachother and understand each others pain.